my Hidden pain

how did i get to be me
i see
what happened to the child
playing happily
amid the trees, the bees, at the sea
torn to shreds
heads banging
voices nagging
body gagging
not allowed here
grow up
work today play tomorrow
sorrow pain tears of rain
weeding, pulling out plants
killing my green friends
i cannot understand the brown blood
on my hands
i love little bugs too
yet we kill them
taught to fear them
they only want to be my friends
I am taught how to kill them
something inside me dies again
tears stains
never the same
why must i kill to live
why do these creatures need to die
so i can live
i cry
pains buried deep within
buildings born
where once lived millions of tiny creatures
whose homes were torn apart
whose lives and families are all gone
perhaps a few escaped
birdie homes torn down
where will the squirrels now live
i cry inside shredding me more
all i adore torn apart
my heart is crying
I am dying inside
i cannot understand
my young hand
brushing away tears
my friends are gone
i hope there is a place
they can play without dying
trying to understand
why we can’t give them a chance to move first
before we come
and shove the soil away
kill kill kill kill kill kill
sometimes I still feel it
driving past a new building
being born
upon the bed of death
unseen to most and yet
so real in my heart
i feel the pain
the stain of unknowing
upon which we stand
and in which we live
giving back so little
if anything
for all we have taken

I get it
the pain
the emotions staining my own life
what holds on
is my love of nature
and all her creatures
not Jerry
not un-marrying
not lack of confidence
or fear
the tears run
so much deeper
the longing to scream alive
my anger
my hot tears of longing
for balance harmony
animals, insects, birds, plants, trees
with EVERYTHING we eat use and wear!!!
their bodies become our STUFF
and when will
when we will cease
the killing
humans hate insects and flies
beetles and bugs and slugs
yet without them
our plants would not bear fruit
no rich soil
no pollination
simple damnation
for what is not understood
darkness inside and out
ignorance is bliss
“I did not know” so easy to say
yet we know life exists in the soil
tiny fragile living breathing beautiful  creatures
we adore the whale for her size
we would compromise if her home were
where the building was going to be
yet if tiny and small
we don’t care at all
giving ourselves the right to demolish nature
kill at will whatever we desire
because what WE want
is so much more important
than God’s tiny small creations
who cares
I stare crying
people think I am crazy
perhaps they are lazy
or so indoctrinated in a way of life
that values according to SIZE
horses and dogs in the news
if we abuse them
yet killing a tank full of fish
starving a little bird
never even make the last page
of the newspaper
not worth talking about
after all
the small don’t count
even in human form
size matters
there is too big and too small
too short and too tall
men want a big thing
and if too small
they are made fun of
women too and boobs
SIZE matters
in your looks
your bank account
the size of your house
and the mouse
by the door
is smashed
poisoned and trashed
with celebration
I am shredded even more
because I adore
all of life
wiping my cheeks
will the meek
inherit the earth some day
and play amidst the green grass
with the plants and the bugs
allowing even slugs to have their own place
in the divine perfection
god’s glorious selection
of perfection
where size NEVER matters
and EVERYTHING is welcomed
through the door
where all parts
are found to be whole
and that
is enough

Me Morgine

even today I talk to the plants
when I need to trim them
spray for bugs with great love
move the slugs
scrub the green crud off my stairs
life deserves appreciation
life matters
healing my tattered soul
longing to grace
this space in a way
which honors
all life
living and breathing
in union
with all
the divine creations
honoring our Oneness
embracing the whole
of the cosmos
the earth
myself and beyond
embracing the all
with the Love
I am
and came from
into which
I will dissolve
and reemerge
once again
always friends
never ending
love always

(c) Morgine Jurdan

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